No one on earth is more adept than bankers at euphemistically describing a difficult situation. Here are some literal translations of a few of these phrases:
SPECIAL ASSETS- Fill dirt; Chinese dry wall; bricks; lumber; open space.
SPECIAL ASSETS MANAGER- The guy with the pickup truck that hauls around some of the above stuff.
LOSS MITIGATION- Where's the phone number of that guy, Murray the Torch?
WE'RE ACTIVELY EXPLORING SOURCES OF ADDITIONAL CAPITAL- The deal with Bernie Madoff fell through.
IN THE INTERESTS OF MOVING FORWARD, WE'VE VOLUNTARILY SIGNED A CONSENT AGREEMENT WITH THE REGULATORS- "Ve have vays to make you sign. Now ve are all civilized people here, but if you do not sign zis document agreeing to Cease and Desist from your reprehensible activities, let us assure you zat ve can make it very unpleasant", the FDIC.
WE'VE HUNKERED DOWN FOR THE DURATION AND DOING QUITE NICELY ON OUR INTEREST SPREAD- What do you mean, my country club membership isn't covered? And where's the coffee machine?
YES, WE DO HAVE CERTAIN ASSET PROBLEMS, BUT WE'RE IN BETTER SHAPE THAN MOST BANKS- In Greece, maybe.
OUR INSTITUTION HAS, JUDICIOUSLY, EMPLOYED INTEREST RESERVES TO FACILITATE SERVICING CERTAIN DEVELOPER CUSTOMERS- These guys couldn't have paid us a dime if we hadn't lent them the money to do it.
ENTREPRENEURIAL PLOY OF THE MONTH:
The other day I heard about a guy who waited for the FDIC to take over his bank. Then he defaulted on his loan, so they would put it into a problem loan pool. Whereupon he purchased his own loan at a deep discount from the Feds.
Is this a great country, or what?
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Pat, you made me laugh. Thanks for your insights, I'll make it a point to check back here on a regular basis.
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